Nurturing myself at my own pace
Author：Tsubame Hanaoka
"Why now of all times..."
Sometimes, bad events pile up one after another, hitting you constantly.
Shortly after our second child was born, my ex-husband fell into depression.
It was already a difficult time, and the question "Why now…" weighed heavily on my heart.
Struggling with postpartum depression myself, I was too overwhelmed to recognize the signs of my ex-husband's condition, which was a huge setback.
Luckily, my depression got better before I knew it. To be honest, I simply didn’t have the luxury of focusing on it anymore.
One year since the onset. Each day was a desperate struggle to keep my life's ship from sinking. I played the role of a breakwater, shielding my child from the dark influences while navigating through trial and error.
One day, I heard on a podcast that running can be just as effective as taking antidepressant medication.
I pictured my ex-husband seeing me running full of energy and saying, "I'll try running too." ... I was sure it would work out.
"I'm thinking of going for a run..." I nervously told my ex-husband. He agreed, on the condition that it would be while the kids were asleep.
That night I started running.
In the darkness, hoping the kids wouldn’t wake up, I held my breath and quietly slipped out of the futon, feeling their small, soft breaths against my skin.
The running course goes through a residential area, then between buildings, and finally circles a pond in the park.
Living in a somewhat unsafe area, I’d glance around nervously during my runs during quiet hours.
Still, by the time I reached my goal—the pond—the restless anxieties of daily life had faded, leaving me surrounded by the comforting sound of my heavy breathing.
Looking at the black water reflecting the lights of the skyscrapers and the teardrop-shaped tails of ducks gently swaying, I felt a sense of relief, forgetting the worries of daily life.
The sense of freedom and liberation I felt at that moment gave me energy and lifted my spirits.
However, what felt like a positive experience for me with running had absolutely no impact on my ex-husband.
To make matters worse, and to my utter dismay, his depression turned into bipolar disorder, and I was swept into a major life storm involving divorce, mediation, moving, and more.
Barely managing to keep my head above water each day, I soon found myself with no time or energy for running.
Five years have passed since then. The storm has passed, and my two children are now in elementary school.
Now, I live a carefree life with my two children in a place surrounded by nature.
It took me a while to heal emotionally, but lately, I've been able to start taking better care of myself, doing stretches, and going for walks.
It took some time for my heart to heal, but recently I’ve started to have the capacity to take better care of myself, doing things like stretching and going for walks.
And I’ve started running again for the first time since then.
In the morning, I turn back at the doorway and ask my kids, "Want to come with me?"
"We’d rather play games!" they respond as usual. But when our eyes meet, they both flash bright smiles and cheer, "Have a good run!"
My running course follows the river near my neighborhood. The morning sun shines brightly in the wide-open sky.
As I cross the bridge with its white railings, I see a wisteria trellis on the left, its green vines stretching out delicately. The sparkling water's surface creates beautiful drapes in response to the movements of the ducks.
Just like back then, I'm finding peace in watching the ducks' butts.
The only difference now is that I’m running for myself, not for others.
After the devastating storm of life, I sealed away the haunting memories that replayed over and over into a box in my heart and closed the lid.
Through the cracks in that lid, I caught a glimpse of happier times. That moment made me realize an uncomfortable truth: I had been surrendering my life to someone else ever since I got married.
Since then, I've made a decision to ” live my own life ” and have been nurturing myself with care and compassion.
Running is one of the ways I nurture myself.
Now, I enjoy the refreshing breeze against my skin as I run.In the distance, I see a small castle perched on a mountain.
The scent of freshly cut grass, the sweet aroma of osmanthus, and the smell of my own sweat. Inhaling these different scents, I feel a profound joy in living my own life.
Appreciating the happiness of being able to open my five senses without fear, I cherish my body—grateful for the luxury of having a simple worry, like wishing my hips were a little tighter.
Call for Donations
Thank you for reading this essay to the end. This piece of art was written by a single mother Tsubame Hanaoka for this Giving December Campaign. Single Mothers Sisterhood supports the mental and physical health and empowerment of single mothers. Your generous donations will be carefully used to fund the operation of 'Self-Care Workshops for Single Mothers'. Donations are accepted on our donation page here.
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