Title： Running Towards a New Chapter
Author： Kao
My daughter is in her second year of middle school. She doesn’t go to school.
She spends her mornings watching videos and often says negative things about herself, which drives me crazy.
I find myself yelling at her before work and sighing at her messy room when I get home. On the rare days she manages to go to school, I feel a sense of relief.
We have been inseparable, just the two of us, going everywhere together. Now, we live by the sea, where we can see the ocean.
Two years ago, after countless heart-to-heart talks, we finally made the decision at her favorite café to leave Tokyo and start a new life in a peaceful, rural area.
Though my parents in Tohoku were deeply concerned about us moving even farther away, I assured them that I wouldn't regret it if we didn't try. And so, we boarded a plane towards our new adventure.
Looking back, my life has often been filled with opposition from those around me. But my daughter and I held hands, and in moments of uncertainty, we held on even tighter and kept moving forward. Even after we moved, she was always in the passenger seat beside me whenever I drove.
Something has changed lately, though. She declines my invitations, saying, "Go ahead without me, Mom."
I cried the day I let go of our electric bike with the child seat, but this time, I have no words to respond, and the loneliness feels even more intense.
I was always so worried about my daughter that, for a time, I switched to working from home just to keep an eye on her. But all it did was increase frustration between us, eroding our trust and self-worth. But it only made both of us more frustrated. We started losing trust in each other, and our self-esteem dropped.
It was during that difficult time that the Sisterhood Running Club started recruiting members.
I had always wanted to start running again.
Even now, I sometimes think back to my childhood, when I used to run around the local field every morning.
I was always running behind my younger brother, and by the time I reached the finish line, dirt from his kicks would cover me. Then, a few months later, for the first time, I passed him on the final corner. It was a simple, refreshing feeling.
I want to feel that same sense of clarity again—the feeling of not giving up, running steadily every day, even if I was covered in dirt.
At 6 a.m., I slipped my phone, loaded with the running app, into my pocket and stepped out of the door.
In less than a minute, I was at the coastline, stretching endlessly. Sky, and clouds that change shape with the seasons, all bathed in the morning light. In such natural beauty, I ran alone, quietly facing myself, relying solely on my strength.
I experienced muscle soreness for the first time in decades and felt the refreshing sensation of being able to run a little farther. It felt as though my body was coming back to life.
The fog in my mind cleared, and after each run, I felt fulfilled and both mentally and physically stable.
What an amazing thing running is!
Running forward, using my whole body and relying on nothing but my own strength—it feels like an experience reserved for those who have made up their mind.
Perhaps my daughter and I have reached a stage where we each need our own time alone. So, I’ll keep running.
She, too, will find joy as she takes on challenges she’s chosen for herself.
All I can do is watch her from a distance.
It feels like a line has been drawn between us—a necessary line, I tell myself, even if it’s not an easy one to accept.
Quietly, I let go of the hand I had been holding for so long.
These days, my daughter often says, “I’m in my prime—puberty, rebellion, and growth!”
I’ve come to see that she’s working hard to move forward in her own way.
I was a relatively well-behaved, "model" child growing up, so at first, I couldn’t understand my daughter’s behavior or way of being at all. It caused pain for both of us.
But now, I’ve come to realize just how much I’ve lived my life worrying about what others think of me, and I’ve discovered the beauty of truly embracing my feelings.
I want her to walk her path—the one that suits her best. Now, I can truly feel that way from my heart.
We're both on our own journeys, and I'll always be supporting her from the sidelines.
With gratitude to the God who made us mother and daughter, I think we’ll continue to run our separate paths as lifelong friends.
I think we’re ready now—we can each go forward, on our own.
Call for Donations
Thank you for reading this essay to the end. This essay was written by a single mother Kao for Giving December 2024. Single Mothers Sisterhood supports the mental and physical health and empowerment of single mothers. Your generous donations will be carefully used to fund the operation of 'Self-Care Workshops for Single Mothers'. Donations are accepted on our donation page here.
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